The Dark Side: When Midi-Chlorians Go Bad

Update: This about sums it up.

I finally saw Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith last night. I have a disclaimer before offering up my opinion.

Disclaimer: I will admit to having read a fair number of reviews before seeing the movie itself. However, given the division in opinion (the majority of reviews are positive, but those that aren't tend towards the hyper-acerbic) I would like to think my opinion suffered less from predisposition than it might have. I did try to watch it in an unassuming state of mind.

One last thing before I get to my opinion: After the movie ended, Ben's first remark was: "Well, that was actually pretty good."

I'm afraid not, Ben. It was crap.

I'll discuss the good first.

• Most of the special effects were, predictably, slick.
• It is less terrible than the two preceding it.
• It is Jar Jar Binks-free. Well... Not really, but at least we don't have to listen to him.
• Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) is actually a good actor.
• Wookies are awesome.
• General Grievous was actually pretty cool. I think he'd have been a more effective psychopath if he couldn't feel pain, though.

And on to the bad.

• For god-knows-what-reason, not all of the special effects are good. The giant lizard that Obi rides, for instance, looks terrible and unreal when running. Not good. Also, I found myself wondering if Yoda was actually still a puppet. That's what he looks like.
• The writing sucks. It is just terrible, I'm sorry. The dialogue -- all of it -- is horrendous.
• The acting is atrocious, absolutely unforgivable. Ewan McGregor is, quite literally, the one good actor in the entire production. With regards to the other actors (and actresses; Natalie Portman is also spectacularly awful) I have honestly seen better acting in high school productions. Dammit, I've seen better actors than Hayden Christensen in grade school productions.
• There is not just a lack of chemistry between Christensen and Portman, there is negative chemistry. Good god, the dialogue between them... The horror, the horror!
• The scene transitions -- that is, the transitional effects -- are inexplicably sucky. I mean, wtf?
• They kill Mace Windu, the bastards.
• Yoda is incredibly sissy. Mace Windu could take Yoda. The logic: Mace Windu beat Darth Sidius; Darth Sidius beat Yoda; Mace Windu could take Yoda down.
• With regards to the battle driods: Who programmed them to have attitude? With R2D2, okay, he's an astromech droid, so it makes sense for him to be sassy. With the battle droids, though, it's just insulting.
• Darth Vader's scream ("Noooooooo!") at the end is amazingly bogus. It's also way too easy to make fun of ("Stellaaaaaaaa!", or, in this case, "Padmeeeeeeee!"), which is not a wholly desirable quality in a what is supposed to be a heart-rending moment.
• Speaking of heart-rending: Apparently Lucas wanted people to leave this movie with tears in their eyes. I suppose that's possible, but when you have two wooden actors supposedly in the throes of love (yes, that's supposed to be love; any resemblance to indigestion is purely coincidental), it doesn't really grab you. I mean, the romance would have been more believable if it had been between two cans of Campbell's® Chunky Noodle Soup ("Mmmm Mmmm Good!") rather than two dullards, attractive dullards though they are.
• Count Dooku is a terrible impersonation of Sean Connery, and you know it.

Now, while I do assert that the movie is crap, it's not massively craptastic. The other movies were; that's why everyone thinks this one is good. Well, that, and maybe because people are idiots.

This will be updated as more things occur to me.